Life Doesn't Frighten Me

       Fifteen years ago today was a pretty rotten day.  No major details here, but if you've known me for any amount of time, then you know all about it.  It's my story about loss, about the moment a girl went from naively independent to embarrassingly dependent in the biggest ways.

      After the whole event, my counselor told me that I should read the police report I filed every year on the anniversary, the one with the freshest, most detailed play-by-play of that February 10th morning.  Her explanation that it would be helpful to remember what I've been through, and to see where I've come each year.  I always thought that was bad advice since I assume most people who have ever been attacked or violated in any way would prefer to stuff it away.   And I really don't follow her advice yearly, but I do like to commemorate the big ones - the 5 years, the 10 years, and I can hardly believe 15 years have passed.

     I like to remember because it gives me a chance to see God's hand in that moment as I begged the stranger to stop, as I prayed the Lord's prayer that sent him away.  I like to remember the wonderful people who walked into my life, and became my strength all because I didn't have any of my own.  And mostly, I give thanks that the damage done to me will not last forever.  I wrote this poem one night when I couldn't sleep in response to a Maya Angelou poem (in a 6th grade text book) about her childhood fear of the dark.  It's not high poetry, heck it's not even good poetry.  But I can sit here tonight on my computer and remember with such force how real my dragons were then, and how sharing a little of it with Maya Angelou seemed like the most natural escape. But all glory to God that time and so very many prayers from people I love have a way of softening a fearful heart and sending those dragons away.

So before this day ends, I want to give thanks to the people who were there, who slept on floors for me, who offered their home for me, and who knew, even when I didn't, that it was all in God's hands.

If I Could Be Maya (1999)

Life doesn't frighten her at all
She'd be so ashamed
I cower low.  I'm afraid
While she fights her daily dragons

Daylight shields my enemy
in solitude
This creature, omniscient -- haunts day and night
Sending  prickly,
                     chilly,
                          icy
Heart plummeting,
Breath catching
Sickness

When he captures his prey -- my imagination
Taken hold,
Flings my mind without care
No secret wall to hide behind, no fleeing from his claws

He stalks
Ste a d il y
In nooks and crannies of every room
Waiting
He overcomes.

Anger, not fully comprehended
A loss, not completely understood
A survivor - hands folded in prayer

"Only in my dreams," Maya says
The only times she's afraid
If it were only just that, Lord
If it were only just that.